THE 5 AREAS TO SET BOUNDARIES IN WHILE DATING

Dating apps, social media, smart phones – these are the things that provide a more connected world – regardless of where we are. But does this actually benefit us in the world of dating?

I would argue: yes. In general, the above-mentioned technology allow us to date more easily and give us the opportunity to meet people we would normally never meet in the wild. And while there are many upsides to today’s technology in regards to dating, the lines have become more blurred. Relationships take on new meaning, we are dating multiple people at the same time, and boundaries are easily crossed or misinterpreted.

There are many areas I would love to delve into with regards to dating, but for this post I want to focus on boundaries within dating, because from my experience, and from those of my friends’, boundaries aren’t often determined before we start dating, but rather present as an uncomfortable feeling while dating. Setting clear boundaries for ourselves helps us better navigate our dating relationships, and also ensures we are giving our attention to those who we actually see a future with. So with that said, here are the 5 areas in dating where we should set boundaries:

1.       Time

First, let me start by saying: you don’t owe anyone a damn thing. When you are dating, especially online and on the apps, you don’t owe anyone anything. You are there to scope out the situation, maybe talk to a few people, and see where it goes. If you decide to be super active one day and text a bunch of people, and then the next day take a break – do you! You need to make sure that your time is focused on what you really feel good about doing.

Let’s face it – we all have a life! I know under COVID many of our social lives are less active, but that doesn’t mean you need to be on your phone 24/7 and constantly reply and message people just because they are texting you. A tip I do is: set aside a certain amount of time per day that you will dedicate to online dating, and then when you get burned out, take a break!

Same goes for meeting in person – if you feel like going on five dates a week – good for you! If you want to limit one per week – that’s also great. Don’t let social media and the availability of smart phones dictate the time you want to spend on dating.

When I go on dates, I always time the first date to be no more than an hour and a half – if the date goes bad, then that’s not too much time to have to spend with someone. If the date goes well, that time allows me to get to know him, but leave him wanting more (and you ALWAYS want to leave them wanting more). And those matches that send you a “?” in the app after you haven’t responded within 10 minutes – f**k them! I delete guys like that immediately as I know my boundaries and that just isn’t what I’m interested in. Make a pact to yourself beforehand on what your limit is, and don’t feel bad when you need to step away and focus on other aspects of your life.

2.       Energy

I consider myself a spiritual person, so I really believe in the sanctity of one’s energy and what we put it towards – but even if you aren’t spiritual, your energy should always be a priority. That includes what energy you put out into the world, as well as the amount of energy you put into other people. While you want to treat everyone you interact with with respect, these people are strangers and you don’t owe them anything other then being open. If you want to spend a week going hard and meeting and talking to people, and the next week take a break – that is totally acceptable. Dating should, by no means, drain you. It should be fun, lift you up, and build your confidence. And of course that’s not to say we don’t have frustrating situations or days when we feel down, but that’s exactly the time you need to listen to your body and mind and do what’s good for you.

As an example, I like to go on the apps certain times of day – but right before bed or right when I wake up - I never do. For me that causes anxiety and frustration, and I create an energy boundary surrounding where I put my energy. I prefer to give my energy to the apps during the day – after work, to be precise. When I am in the zone, and I am writing a blog post, or working, then I always turn down my phone so I don’t see notifications. I often fall into the trap of feeling like I have to respond right away, so I help combat this by turning off the notifications on my phone, and focusing my energy on what I am doing at that given time. If the guy is worth it, then he will wait and also respect you for having your own shit going on.

3.       Content

By content, I mean what you send to someone, and in person, what you tell someone. You get to choose what you share, and when you share it. With technology, we often feel closer to people than we actually are – but setting boundaries about what we share is important.

For example, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, then sexting and sending sexy pics could be a privilege your date has to work up to. I usually have a third date rule with sending sexy pics – after the third date, or after we have had sex (whichever comes first) then I send sexy pics. If it’s a friends-with-benefits situation, then after the first meeting I will send pics, assuming the second meeting will include sex. If you don’t feel comfortable sending pics at all, then let the person know that. No shame in your game.

You should also think about personal information that you don’t necessarily want to share right away – whether that is something from your past, or family situations – it’s not about being ashamed or keeping secrets, it’s about giving the person you are dating the chance to prove that they are worth sharing that information with. Make a list of some hot topics (for example ex relationships, family, illnesses, personal struggles) and decide after which point you want to share that information with the other. Remember, they have to earn that information, and only when you feel comfortable sharing it – it is not a given.

4.       Commitment

In today’s dating world, commitment is extremely blurred. We are dating multiple people at multiple times – often causally – and commitment is really hard to define. You have to decide at which point you want to be committed to someone – and to what degree. Commitment doesn’t always mean a committed monogamous relationships – commitment could mean a friends-with-benefits relationship where you decide to meet once per week. Commitment could mean you agree to text someone back at least once a day, but do not specify how many times that day, just that you will check-in daily. Commitment could also mean a monogamous relationship before you have sex with someone. You have to define what commitment means to you; the level you want to commit and when.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into commitment before you are ready, and vice versa, don’t pressure someone else into commitment when they aren’t ready. My friend had a situation where she was talking to a guy she had never met before (it was a setup and he lived in another state) and he asked her not to have sex with anyone else if she wants to date him seriously. She asked for my advice and I told her that she shouldn’t feel like committing to him if she wasn’t ready, and that she needed to have a talk with him about the situation to make it clear (and frankly this is also a red flag for controlling behaviour - but that’s a whole other blog post). Decide what you feel comfortable committing to and when, and don’t let anyone pressure you otherwise. The stronger you are with setting your boundaries, the quicker those people will evaporate who have no interest in respecting them, which leaves the good ones who are willing to respect your boundaries.

5.       Relationship type

This is probably the most important boundary you need to set – and first, within yourself. What type of relationship are you looking for? Casual? Friends-with-benefits? Committed, monogamous? Decide this before you start talking to and dating guys so you can be clear on what you want. Sometimes people will be unclear with their intentions, and if you are unclear on what you want, you might find yourself in a situation which doesn’t make you feel good.  

I started talking to this guy from an app, and we talked for over a week before we met (he was out of town). All of his behavior pointed to the fact that he wanted a committed relationship (very attentive, we didn’t talk about sex much, he made plans in advance, very interested in my life). We met on our date, and it went very well – he even asked me out again on the date, and we discussed a day. Then after the date, he barely texted me, and never followed up about the date we planned. After I confronted him, he explained he was just looking for a friends-with-benefits relationship. Don’t worry, I wrote him a long-ass message explaining how his behavior was misleading, inappropriate, and unacceptable. He apologized, but needless to say I will never talk to him again. This was my boundary, I made it clear that he crossed it, and I moved on without ever looking back.

Another situation I had was with an ex who came back into my life (for the third time - oops). Anyways, we started off as having a friends-with-benefits relationship, and I began testing the waters to see if we could be more. He told me that he couldn’t give me any more than what he currently was. It was hurtful, but that was his boundary. And my boundary was that I needed more from him, so I ended it. By setting clear boundaries for myself, it was easier for me to express how I felt and walk away from a situation that no longer served me. Thank you, next!

Hope you enjoyed this post! For 1-1 coaching sessions on this topic or anything else, contact us here or at doubletake.lifestyle@yahoo.com.