IS LOVE ENOUGH? - 5 IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
You feel like you are in love with your partner, yet your relationship is in constant turmoil. You look at your partner and you feel the love, but it also makes you feel sad. Slowly, you start questioning yourself whether your love is enough to continue, and if it is enough to save your relationship. So, what is love really? How do we define love? I am not sure I can even try to put it into words, but let me give you a very personal example. Growing up I witnessed my parents’ relationship. Observing them as a child, it seemed completely normal to me that they hugged and held hands often. I would come home from school and I would find them on the couch watching their favorite television show while embracing each other. They always showed their affection for each other publicly, perhaps even more often than showing their affection towards us as their children. Of course, they had arguments at times, but nothing very serious and they seemed to be in perfect harmony with each other in every aspect of their lives. I never thought it could be any different - to me this was it - this was how a relationship should be. Growing up and facing my own challenges made me realize how my parents lived was not the norm at all. In fact, quite the opposite. Many of my friends’ parents had serious issues - some divorced, some had constant fights, even physical and verbal abuse. I was shocked, but I was still living under my parents’ love bubble. Now, that they are in their 70s, and I went through my own turmoil regarding love, it is even more amazing to see how they still adore each other and how much and how deeply they love each other, and throughout their nearly 60 years together how they were and still are able to overcome any issue they encounter. I personally had the fortune to feel the knee buckling, butterflies in your stomach, smiling uncontrollably, and never ever ending feeling sort of love. But, not everyone had or will have the chance to experience this incredible feeling or will ever come across such deep passion like my parents’ love story. And in my opinion, not everyone is capable of feeling this kind of intense emotion. Love can be very different, there is no right or wrong way in terms of how to feel in love. Some people are perfectly content with loving someone on a less deep level, or more like a friendship kind of way. But what is especially important though, is that whatever kind of love you need or feel in your life, this love should make you happy and should result in a loving and lasting relationship. So, is love enough to sustain your relationship? Let’s see the 5 questions you should ask yourself if you are in doubt.
1. Is it Love or Lust?
Some people confuse lust, a physical attraction to someone, with a deeper, emotional connection. It is important to have both to establish a healthy relationship, and lust can even lead to love in some cases. However, having only a physical infatuation with someone does not mean we are in love but rather feeling lust. Lust is an intense sexual chemistry between you and your partner but without love, it cannot sustain the relationship long term. Love is more complex - it is a deep emotion that you feel not only between the sheets, but many moments throughout the day – perhaps even when you are just looking at or thinking of your partner. It means you accept your partner as they are - with their flaws and insecurities; you respect each other. You want to support each other and grow together. Lust can change overtime into a “less intense” physical attraction but in many cases love can deepen your lust for one and other.
2. Is love making you happy or sad?
We assume that when we are in love, we are super happy all the time; we feel like we can do and achieve anything together - basically we are living on cloud nine constantly. Of course, that is not always the case. Thinking about your love interest can stir up many emotions. There are ups and downs in any relationship as we deal with a lot more than just the two people in it. We have our extended families and friends, our work, our financial responsibilities - just to mention a few. You can also feel insecure in your relationship for no apparent reason, question how your other half feels; do they feel the same? Most issues can be temporary, but if you feel sadness more often than happiness, if you feel disappointed with your life together, if you have anxiety or depression while in love, it is important that you immediately investigate what makes you feel this way. Love is supposed to make you happy, not miserable, and it is not worth getting ill because of love - whether it is emotional or physical. Can you change your circumstances and achieve feeling happy again? Is it you or is it your partner, or perhaps is it the both of you? Maybe it is time to sit down and talk it over and figure out if there is a way to become happy again together. Professional help is highly recommended as well, as a therapist can examine your relationship from a different point of view, isolate the problems, and help you try to resolve them. If they cannot be resolved, it is time to move on and accept the fact that love, in this case, was not enough.
3. Are you compatible?
Love, attraction and compatibility are three different things. Love is emotional, attraction (aka “lust”) is physical, but compatibility is the intellectual part of your relationship. For a great relationship to work smoothly, ideally you do need all three. So, ask yourself: are you compatible with each other? I strongly believe that it is particularly important early on in a relationship to discuss your different views on family values starting with the desire - or the lack thereof - of starting a family. This should include basic principles on how you would like to raise your children if you decide to have kids. Religion is also a big deal breaker for some people, so you need to have an honest conversation about your expectations and perhaps your limits when it involves practicing or not practicing any kind of religion in your life together. Social matters, for example your opinions on sexual identities might not seem as important, but I beg to differ. You do not want to find out that your partner is homophobic when they meet your gay grandpa for the first time. It is also good to have some of the same interests such as the love of dancing or playing tennis together. It is not crucial to take part in everything your partner does but it is good to have several activities that you can enjoy doing together. Another important compatibility issue is culture and upbringing - this one we both know too well from firsthand experience. Having a culturally blended family comes with its challenges but if you can make it work, everyone will benefit from it. How to handle finances, bank accounts, savings and paying off loans is another crucial topic to discuss. No matter how much you love each other, if you do not have similar goals and interests in life or if you are not able to support each other’s ambitions, or if you do not share similar views on important things - love will not be enough to bridge the gap, and in fact it will deepen the gap with time passing.
4. How are you communicating with each other?
Do you find yourself arguing about every little thing all the time? Does either of you have anger issues while having seemingly normal conversations? If you spend a significant amount of time arguing over absolutely everything, it will cast a negative cloud over your relationship. No matter how many times you have makeup sex after a nasty fight, it will tear you down slowly but surely. If you are not capable of sitting down and having constructive conversations with your partner - to reach an agreement on an issue you are both passionate about without screaming into their face to make your point - you need help. I am not saying you cannot learn to communicate at any point in your relationship, but it is a difficult task and it must be dealt with right away. You can search for help online to give you tools for better communication skills, but usually the best solution is to reach out to a professional who can teach you the right way of communicating with each other. Having occasional quarrels is completely normal but living in a constant war zone is a terrible existence and it will kill your love for sure.
5. Do you have irreconcilable differences?
Trust issues, infidelity, kids from a previous marriage - just to mention a few - are all issues that can cause you to have irreconcilable differences. I have seen so many second marriages with blended families where the major source of problems were the handling of situations regarding children from the partner’s previous marriage. It is a slippery slope and unless you are in an absolute union on how to deal with each other’s children from the very start, or where to set the boundaries of parenting the other’s kid, it can be a constant source of tension. Let’s face it, sooner or later the parent will side with their own child - do not underestimate the kids’ role as expert manipulators in these situations - and it will bring the love and your relationship to a fast end. Another serious problem is infidelity or trust issues. No matter how much you love your partner, being cheated on will leave a nasty scar on your ability to trust. Whether you can forgive and forget, and move on, it is not entirely up to you. You both have to work hard and most likely seek the help of a professional as well. Building back trust can take a long time, and not all relationships can survive in the meantime. You can love so deeply yet the pain caused by your partner can be so severe and deep that you will never be able to trust them again. And being in a relationship without trust is a torturous existence. And by now we know, if love hurts too much - love is most likely not enough.
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