HOW TO MAKE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WORK
Anyone who has been in a long distance relationship knows they are ROUGH. You go weeks or months on end without seeing your partner. You can’t be with them at the end of the day to just chill. You can’t give them a hug when you need one. You can’t just drop by for a kiss. Sometimes you even miss a birthday or an important holiday. So then what is so great about a long distance relationship?
Some people like their space and like the idea of seeing someone only so often, rather than daily. Others have very demanding jobs which make it difficult to see their partner during the week, and prefer to go and visit them on the weekends when they can totally disconnect. And sometimes you don’t plan on having a long distance relationship, but you meet someone you really like and shit happens.
Long distance relationships run in our family. My mom met my dad in Europe, and they lived on separate continents for months at a time due to work and family obligations. Now, after being single for a while, she is another long distance relationship with her current boyfriend who lives in Hungary, while she lives in California.
I myself have been in three long distance relationships – my first lasted 3 years, the second 6 months, and the last one was 10 months before I moved to his city. I have had my fair share of long distance relationships – some better than others – but they all taught me some important lessons.
So can a long distance relationship work? I believe it can, and here are the 5 ways to make it work.
1. Communication
Communication is important in any relationship – but strategic communication is crucial in a long distance relationship. Texting should be a given, and something that is done daily. This could be long conversations, or just sending pictures of what you are up to (like your lunch, or that run you went on).
Phone calls are essential to keeping a long distance relationship going – while texting is great, phone calls allow you to hear the other person’s voice and how they react to what you say. Without this, you run the risk of the emotional intimacy dwindling if you only stick to text. I recommend anywhere from 2-7 phone calls a week or more!
With technology today, there is a wide range of video chat applications – so use them! This is a step up from a phone call. Not only can you hear the person, but see them too! And who wouldn’t want that? Obviously, this is not as good as being together in person, but this creates the ultimate intimacy between a couple and really helps them stay connected. Much of our communication is nonverbal, so physically seeing the person through your phone will create a much deeper connection – especially if you go weeks without seeing your significant other.
When both partners are on the same time zone, it makes it easier, but lets say you are nine hours apart - how do you make it work? You literally have to come up with a routine on when you will talk. It may sound anti-sexy, but it is oh-so necessary to ensure you have enough time to communicate throughout the day.
And besides the type of communication, it is important what the content is as well. Communication with substance is a must in long distance relationships - that means openly sharing your feelings - good or bad. Tell them how much you love their voice, or how handsome they look in that picture - or how much you miss them. These small words of affirmation can really make the other person feel wanted in an otherwise distant relationship.
2. Keep it spicy
I know not everyone feels comfortable with sending naked pictures or videos – and that’s okay – but you need to find ways to keep the relationship spicy. At the end of the day, both of you have needs that you cannot always fulfill for each other due to the distance, so you have to find ways to get creative.
Some ways you can do this are sending sexy pics to each other – these do not need to be naked pictures (I never send those) but of yourself in a bikini, or cute lingerie. If you want to take it up a notch, then send a video or boomerang of yourself in a cute outfit (men love these!).
If you don’t feel comfortable showing yourself, then use your words. Sexting can be very fun and you can use your creativity. These can be subliminal or very explicit messages. I am a big sexting fan – it always leaves your partner wanting more! If you want to take this up a notch, phone sex is also a great way to keep it spicy. Grab a glass of wine, call your man, and get comfortable for a steamy discussion. The next step would be video chat sex – but I’ll leave that up to your imagination.
Everyone’s comfort levels are different and everyone has different needs, so figure out what works for you and your partner and what makes you both comfortable.
3. Visit often
I think this is a given, but when you are in a long distance relationship, your priority should be to visit each other as often as possible. This means making the time and spending your money on trips back and forth. As soon as one person stops making an effort, then the relationship will deteriorate.
If you live within 1-3 hours’ drive of each other, every weekend or every other weekend is a good goal.
If you live 3-7 hours’ drive from each other, then once a month is a good goal to have.
If you live 5-6 hour plane ride from each other, then every 4-6 weeks is appropriate.
If you live in different continents, then whenever you can afford to travel, which in my case was every four months.
If you live very far from each other, try meeting half way! Not only does that allow for both people to make equal effort, but it also creates a sense of adventure for the relationship. It can be a great bonding experience to go visit new places together.
It is crucial that each person makes the effort to visit the other. Obviously, there are reasons why one person might be more available (job, money) but it is important that both people feel an equal amount of effort from each other.
4. The devil is in the details
When you are so far away from someone for long periods of time, you miss out on the small gestures that go a long way, so, you need to create your own in your long distance relationship. It is the tiniest gestures, often, that really count. It will make you feel closer to your partner even though you are far away. Here are a few things you could do
Order them their favorite food
Send flowers
Write them a card and send in the mail
Send their birthday gift
Send them tickets to a show you can see together
Buy them a plane ticket
My favorite is sending hand written cards, and I always would when I was in a long distance relationship – always added such a personal touch. I would put lipstick on, kiss the card, and also spray it with my perfume. It was a small gesture that made a big difference.
5. Have an end goal
I think the most important, and yet overlooked aspect of a long distance relationship is having an end goal. An end goal is deciding that after a certain amount of time, you will move and be together in the same city. Without an end goal, there will be endless frustration as time goes on, with little to look forward to. If neither of you are planning to ever move to the other person’s city, then what is really the point of the relationship?
I have been in several long-distance relationships, and when we didn’t have an end goal of when I was going to move, it caused many arguments and fights. One person thinks the other doesn’t care enough, and the other feels pressure to make the move. It never turns out well.
My most successful long distance relationship happened when I knew I was going to move back to Hungary, so we knew in 10 months we would be in the same city. It was great, because we were able to count down the time until we knew we would be together. Although the long distance wasn’t easy for those 10 months, it really helped us stay positive and really look forward to what was to come.
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