THE TRUTH BEHIND THE SMILE...

'Americans are so fake..they smile at everyone'. This is a line I have heard countless times over the course of my lifetime, but most prominently in the last 8 months since I moved back to Hungary. I'm not sure what it is, but Hungarians are obsessed with the ingenuity that they believe American consumerism is built upon. Maybe it's because Hungarians are typically pessimistic, negative, and not the friendliest of people in these customer service situations. As someone who considers herself to be very much a Hungarian, but grew up in California, I really think my view of the two worlds is much more objective than a Hungarian who has spent little or no time in the States. Now, I want to point out that I am in no way saying that Hungarians are bad people; they are my people, my blood. But there are definite cultural differences that determine the way in which people behave whether it's the first time meeting someone, or in a long-term relationship. 

Customer Service: It is absolutely true that in the States it is customary, expected, and well-received for someone in a store to greet you with a large smile and say something along the lines of 'How are you?', in which case you would probably reply with 'Good, thanks'. This question, "How are you" is not asked because the sales person or whoever really wants to know how you are doing, but it is rather a greeting, one that means 'I am happy you are here and want you to spend money'. This concept is one Hungarians have a truly hard time accepting. From endless conversations with my family members I have understood that they feel this is fake behavior, it's unauthentic, and why on earth would we ask someone how they are if we don't really want to know??? Again, I stress this idea of culture and although both the States and Hungary are first world industrial countries, we couldn't be more different. The Hungarians approach is basically to greet you when you enter the door, usually without a smile or any other positive or enthusiasts remark. I would go as far as saying that sometimes they can be plain rude. The "customer is always right" concept is often lost on them and especially in the capital, it is really rare to see a customer service person with a smile on their face.

Hungarian Grandpa and little sister Victoria

Family: Generally in Hungary, families are much closer, both geographically and emotionally. They physically touch more (especially the grandmas) and they tend to live closer together which I believe accounts for the emotional closeness they feel to each other as well. Since I've moved to Hungary my grandmother has made it a point to call me several times a week, invite me over for countless lunches, give me unsolicited advice on EVERYTHING, and constantly ask me if there is anything I need for my apartment, driving me to a point of almost insanity.  They basically want to know every second of every minute of everything that I am up to: who I'm with, where am I going, etc. I often have to remind them that I am an (almost) 23 year old adult living on my own, working 2 jobs, paying all my own bills, cooking, cleaning, and putting myself together. But I guess to them I will always be their first little granddaughter. My American grandparents are very different. With them, less is more, money can buy happiness, and never talk about anything uncomfortable. Do they love me any less than my Hungarian grandparents? Probably not. They just have a different way of expressing themselves. For them, calling twice a month is sufficient, giving money in a card with just a signature for Christmas is enough effort, and living 3000 miles apart isn't as heart breaking as you would think. 

Friendships: Friendships I find extremely challenging regardless of where I live, maybe because I have a hard time getting emotionally close to people, or maybe I've been burned so many times that I lack the energy to make any effort at all. What I have found is that friendships in Hungary are typically emotionally deeper than those in the States. This, again, could also contribute to the fact that I only lived in the States until the age of 22 which constitutes years of college partying, drinking, and "having fun" without any care in the world. But the difference is that in Hungary I can go to a party where I know maybe 2 people and end up having a long, intimate, and deep conversation with someone I just met an hour before. And guess what: he doesn't want to get into my pants, he JUST wants to talk to me! Wow, what a concept. One that didn't fly in California at all. If you want to have a deep conversation with a guy in his 20's in California, well, I haven't actually had one, so I might need someone to tell me where this actually happens. In Hungary this is NORMAL. People become friends, and they stay friends. They would do anything for each other. Americans came up with the term "ride or die" but I truly believe it fits better with Hungary's friendship model than that of the States. I think the laid-back California attitude surely contributes to the laid-back friendship attitude, making it very difficult for someone like me. I'm the nerd who is emotionally deep, likes going to museums and cultural events over day drinking, and enjoys wine, cheese, and bread with intellectual conversation. 

Romantic Relationships: These seem to be shitty everywhere. Why is dating so hard? So let me break it down by cultures. California is all about dating without attachments. There are no titles, no one claims each other, two people act like they are together in private but then ignore each other in public. I have had the misfortune of finding myself in a similar relationship which was (on and off) for 2.5 years!! It's emotionally draining, frustrating, and you often doubt yourself when you consider why he doesn't want to make you his girlfriend. Hungary, on the other hand, is the land where the word 'love' is thrown around like the word Hello. Everyone loves everyone, everyone is always in a relationship, and when couples break up, they often move onto the next one at an exponential rate. Men love women in Hungary. They love talking to them, for hours on end. They love hanging out with them. They love kissing them and having sex with them. They love being with them; loving them and showing them off. But, I have noticed that many people get into relationships quickly which means they often fade out after a few months. Men also like to cheat. I know what they say about generalizing, BUT compared to Americans, at least the boys my age in the State I grew up in, Hungarian men cheat more often. Many still believe in traditional household relationships which entail having a partner, making babies, working and bringing home the bacon, and staying true to their family. If this means getting a little extra on the side, then so be it. This is the mentality. They like to be in relationships, I mean LOVE being in relationships, and so they often cheat rather than end the relationship. Also, they love women so much they just want them all. Obviously women aren't angels, but since I myself am a woman I can only speak from my personal (often painful) experiences from the boys I have dated in both the States and in Hungary. 

I think comparing the two countries to determine which is better isn't warranted in this situation. As a multi-cultural, idealist individual I often think of the good in each and wonder if I can incorporate the positive of one home country in the current one I am living in. #dianasays

Oh those heated “how are you” arguments with my Hungarian friends and family! Greet an American with a smile and a “how are you” and you shall receive the same response of “great, how are you”, then both of you move on with whatever you were doing without engaging in a lengthy conversation about your health or political views. Ask a Hungarian the same question and you will hear an earful of complaints and issues both personal and otherwise. Even Hungarians who speak English rather well, have a hard time understanding this simple yet polite American greeting and consider it fake. Why do Americans smile so much? Perhaps simply because they are actually happy. Or even if they are not happy, they see no reason to make someone else feel bad. I have to agree with Diana, Hungarians are a bit pessimistic in general, partly it is cultural, but also because of the economic and political uncertainties they live in. They have a hard time letting go of the past; the country’s very sorted history. But overall, Hungarians are very funny, extremely sarcastic, tend to make fun of everything and everyone, including themselves, which alone makes conversations entertaining and dynamic.

Regarding customer service, or the lack of it in Hungary, there are fundamental differences. The first thing that came into my mind is how differently you are treated in a restaurant. In America, normally you are escorted to your table by a smiling and friendly hostess, handing you your menus and assuring you that your waiter will be coming by shortly to take your orders. Waiters will introduce themselves by their first name and chat with you a little before asking to take your drink orders. They are very personable, smiling and joking around, and will do their best to make sure you are enjoying every aspect of your dinner, not just the food but the atmosphere and the service as well. In return, they do expect a nice tip, which we are more than happy to pay for after helping us making our evening special. In Hungary, and all over Europe, being a waiter is more of a career whereas in the States most people wait tables while studying in collage or use it as a second income. So Hungarian waiters expect you to show them respect, acknowledge their expertise, and understand your experience depends on them. Tables turned, one might say. Frankly, I am quite comfortable with both approaches, having lived in both places about equal amounts of time, but perhaps for a foreigner visiting Hungary this might make the experience less attractive. I do see a slow change in customer service in Hungary, but traditions are hard to break, you might have to wait few more years for a smiley welcome.

Sightseeing with family and friends at Szeged, Hungary

Family is a very interesting subject, especially since I was married to an American for over 20 years and was, and still am, confronted with our cultural differences on a daily basis. (I promise you I will be writing about this subject very soon). But for now, let me just touch on the basics. Indeed, families are much closer in Hungary; we have a physical and emotional closeness most of my American friends find hard to understand. Most of us live at home while attending school and often even after entering into a serious relationship or getting married. Sometimes young married couples live with their parents as well. But even living apart, you will probably be in the same city, so almost everyday contact with your parents is inevitable. Sunday lunches a must, but again who would not want to enjoy grandma’s cooking and desserts? Downside of this closeness is that there are no boundaries at all. Your parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts will ask you questions you would not consider discussing with anyone but your best friends. In front of everyone. About absolutely anything. How much money you make, why did you seem to put on weight, how you raise your kids; political arguments are huge, especially between extended family. They will advise you, whether you asked for advice or not. You should consider these “friendly discussion”, as my mother put it after one of our infamous and exhausting "feuds". And about sex. Yes, they tell you things you really do not want to hear, and they ask you things you do not want to answer to. Just so you understand, I called my grandmother in the hospital in Budapest a few weeks before she passed away; we were living in San Diego at that time. We had a nice conversation; she asked about the kids, her grandchildren, and our lives. Then she asked me about my marriage. I responded with “everything is great” when she proceeded to go deeper and ask how our sex life was. I was a bit shocked and might have even blushed, but it was my grandmother and she was fighting her losing battle with cancer, so I just answered, “good grandma, very good”. Just smile. Hungarian families, especially mine, live by the rule: you give and you shall receive. They will do anything for you. But you better be ready to do the same. Now, our American family is very different as Diana described it. To begin with, my ex-husband’s family is far from traditional. (Another great topic to discuss in the future). The only person I felt extremely close to was my mother-in-law, who sadly passed away a couple of years ago. She was an amazing woman, we talked every day. Just like with my parents, we traveled together, went to see movies, hung out with the kids and played cards; she was more like a part of my Hungarian family rather than my American one. I believe that even though dealing with my Hungarian family takes way more effort and patience and time to manage, I choose it over the somewhat artificial American family model I have been exposed to here in America. (This is perhaps not normal for all American families but our experience is as such).

Visiting with my long time friend Jette and Diana's SDSU friend Camilla in Copenhagen Denmark

As for friendships, I am looking at this from a "matured" person’s perspective. My friendships are long term at this point. I am content with the group of friends I have here in the States and back in Hungary and in other parts of Europe. I have a few extremely close friends in both countries who I can reach out to anytime and talk to about absolutely anything. It took me a long time to build these friendships but they are pretty equal in depth. Even with the ones who live in Denmark or Germany. We can pick up where we left off a year ago and never feel awkward or distant just because we did not speak for a while. Romantically, hmm, what can I say, I am in huge trouble. I was 21 years old when I met my ex-husband and was married for over 20 years. Now all of a sudden I am single again, but not entirely ready to start dating just yet. Living with someone for 23 years is a very long time and it's hard to imagine starting over. The dating game has also changed, whether you live here or in Europe, expectations are so different nowadays. But I can tell you, European men are very charming and flirty, do not hold back to express their likes and are pretty aggressive about pursuing the chosen woman. I find American men more reserved, not so open and blunt. But again, when I actually have a bit more up-to-date “experience” in this subject, I will have to share it with you all.

My San Diego crowd...

I feel very lucky to be exposed to two different cultures. I always tried to pick and choose the best from both worlds. Some of my rules defy the traditions I grew up with and some I have kept. But I believe in building my own lasting traditions for my children and family, hoping that they will find some of it precious and will carry it on in their own lives. And I always smile. Generally, I am a very happy person. Even going through difficult times, I wake up in the morning and I choose happiness. I choose to smile at others to make them feel good and special, hoping to make their day just a little brighter. #mommydearest