WHAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE

Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes and are not all created equal. Some are based on a strong physical attraction, others on emotional dependency and comfort. And others are even based on a contractual agreement predetermined at the beginning of the relationship.

So what makes a relationship healthy? Despite there being so many different and unique relationships, there are certain qualities in a relationship that should be present in order for them to work. Based on our experience and educational background, we have rounded up 5 of the most important points that are the base of a healthy relationship.

1.       Trust

Without trust, a relationship is headed for hardship and turmoil. Trust comes in multiple forms – we often think of trust as trusting our partner to be faithful, but there are so many other aspects of trust. Trusting that they will be there for you when you need them. Trusting that they will remember to pick up the kids from school. Trusting that when you are out of town they can pay the bills and manage the household. Trusting that your deepest darkest secrets that you shared with each other are kept and not shared with others. Trust that what they say is in parallel with their actions.

Most of my relationships had trust issues – my first boyfriend cheated on me and I was never able to fully trust him again. In another relationship I didn’t trust my boyfriend to manage anything without me – whether that was finances or even cleaning the house. In my last long term relationship I didn’t trust that my boyfriend wouldn’t walk away from the relationship when times got tough. All of these trust issues caused frustration within me and had an impact on the way I behaved, and therefore the relationship.

Having complete and utter trust in your partner and them in you means that you are there for each other and know that regardless of good or bad times, you can count on them to be there for you.

2.       Open communication and honestly

Communication is the key to any type of relationship. But in a romantic relationship it is not enough to just communicate – you need to communicate openly and honestly. Without open and honest communication, your partner won’t know what you need, and you will also feel frustrated. We often fail to communicate properly with our partners because we are either scared of their reaction, we want to avoid conflict, or we don’t know how to say what we want in a way that won’t hurt the other person. It is important that we communicate in a way where the other person can actually absorb what we are saying. For example, if you want to talk to your partner about a problem in the relationship, wait for a time when you are both calm, and go take a walk or go for a drive – studies show that doing a physical activity while having difficult conversations makes it easier for both partners to open up and stay calm.

Not only is it important to talk about the problems in the relationship, but also give compliments and let the other know what they are doing well. Positive affirmations have been shown to greatly increase a person’s yearn to do better and be more positive because they feel good after getting positive affirmations from you.

I have not always been great in being honest in communicating my feelings – both good and bad – and it had a negative impact on my relationships. In one of my relationships I was so scared that he would be upset with whatever I said that I instead didn’t say anything and it ended up really hurting our relationship.

There is usually a good time and a place to say something, but make sure you are always expressing how you feel openly and honestly.

3.       Understand each other’s love language

Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman? If not, I recommend you read into it or buy his book! I was introduced to his book by a dear friend of mine, and when Gary was in Budapest I went to his lecture and it was amazing.

Whether you believe in the 5 love languages or not, the point is that you should love someone the way they need to be loved, rather than how you need to be loved.

For example, my love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, but I had a boyfriend who’s love language was physical touch and he needed me to be more affectionate with him. If I would have focused on my love languages and tried to love him how I prefer, it would never have worked. This same boyfriend, for example, always performed acts of services for me, which I appreciated, but he went overboard and wanted to show his love only in that way. I preferred quality time, which he wasn’t very keen on giving me. This caused a serious rift in our relationship.

First, try to understand how your partner needs and wants to be loved - this can be done by observing their behavior and how they react, or by asking them what they like and want. If you want to know specifically about the love languages, you can take a quiz online to see what you and your partner’s love languages are here.

It is important that each of you understand what your partner needs and how you can show them love in a way that they can understand, accept, and absorb.

4.       Respect

I think this is one of the most underrated, yet crucial aspects of a healthy relationship. Without respect for you partner, it is hard to fully love them or feel like they are equal to you.

Respect could mean different things, for example respecting each other’s privacy, respecting each other’s thoughts. But respect is also respecting the person and looking up to them – the feeling of being next to someone who can help you grow. Often time’s people think of money and status, but I am referring to respecting someone because they can teach you something you don’t know, or show you a part of the World you haven’t seen, or approach a topic in a way you never thought of before. It is about being able to grow together and help each other to become better people.

Almost all of my relationships have failed due to a lack of respect – and unfortunately it was me who didn’t respect them. In one relationship, I felt like the mother – not only would I do most of the house work, but I also contributed more financially, and I was the one who always wanted to travel and learn new things. My boyfriend at the time followed my lead, and even though at first it was okay, I eventually felt like I couldn’t learn anything from him – that I couldn’t look up to him as a man.

Everyone has their different needs and wants, but at the end of the day if you don’t have mutual respect for each other, the relationship will not be able to grow and flourish as the years pass by.

5.       Intimacy

While physical intimacy is important, intimacy as a whole is much more complex. Physical touch, cuddling, hugs, and kisses are all extremely important. This is what differentiates a romantic relationship from that of just friends. You do not need to do PDA in public, but when you are at home, it is important to express your feelings and desires in a physical way.

Although sex is a great way to do this, it is not the only way. Being vulnerable with your partner is also very important. That could mean sharing your fears and secrets, or talking to them about topics you wouldn’t talk to anyone else about. The intimacy needs to be on a level in which is deeper than the other relationships the partners have outside of this romantic one. It needs to feel special, and, well, intimate.

I have always had intimacy issues in my relationships – whether I was in a sexless relationship or whether I didn’t feel like being physically affectionate. These all affected the relationship in negative ways, and I know now what I need and how I need to be in a relationship for it to work.

We hope you found this post helpful!

For 1-1 coaching on this topic, or any other, email us here or at doubletake.lifestyle@yahoo.com