HOW TO KNOW WHEN TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE

You’re dating someone for a few weeks, months, or even years – and something is off. Should you stay with the person? Should you try to work it out? Should you give them another chance?

Knowing when to fight for a relationship or let it go can often be a very hard decision and not always cl ear – especially if no one is abusive or cheated on each other – it is not always obvious when the relationship should be over. I have had my fair share of breakups over the years, and I am the first to admit that I sometimes waited longer than I should have because I wasn’t 100% certain breaking up was the right thing to do.

So how do you know when you should break up with someone when there isn’t one bad thing that happened in the relationship? We have put together 5 scenarios which illustrate when it might be time to end your relationship.

1.       When they don’t excite you

Relationships ebb and flow, and when you are in a long-term (over a year) relationship, you definitely won’t feel the same butterflies and excitement you did at the beginning. But what if you never felt excited?

When I was single a few years ago, I was dating a guy for several months. We didn’t spend too much time together due to his job, but I enjoyed the fact that he was a constant in my life and that he was someone I could talk to daily and see every week. Towards the end of the relationship, I started feeling like seeing him was more of a burden than something I actually wanted to do. When we were together, I would be on my phone more, be disengaged, and was hoping he wouldn’t want to have sex with me at the end of the night – and that’s when I knew that I needed to end the relationship.

When someone no longer excites you and you don’t care to see them, especially only after a few months of dating, then that is not a relationship that is going to be sustainable long-term. You should want to want to see them, be with them, and spend time with them. If you don’t, then it might be time to evaluate the situation.

2.       When you can’t see a future together

When you are in your early 20’s, most people aren’t thinking about their relationships in terms of the long term (marriage, kids, buying a place together, etc.) – and that’s okay. But when you get to the point in your life where you are ready to be committed to one person and live your life with them, you really have to sit down and think about what the future looks like with this person and how you see your life together.

My first long-term relationship was over 11 years ago with a boy who was two years older than me. I loved him dearly – we had good chemistry, we loved being together, and we enjoyed each other’s company. If I were to meet him today, I would never date him, and that’s not because he is a bad person, but we simply live very different lives. I love to travel and move around, I speak a few languages, love learning new things – and he still lives in the same house with his parents since he was child, has no interest in traveling or learning new things, and just isn’t on the same intellectual level as me. And that doesn’t mean that he is a bad person – that just means that we would never have a future together because our goals and aspirations in life do not match.

It is important to be with someone who you believe you can spend the rest of your life with – and that means having goals and dreams that match up or are complementary to each other.

3.       When you disagree on fundamental topics

If you are at an age and time in your life where you are looking to find a life-long partner, it is crucial that you discuss “fundamental” topics as early on as possible in the relationship. These topics can be different to many people, but here are a few examples of the most common topics that are make or break in any relationship:

·         Marriage or no marriage

·         Kids or no kids

·         Religion

·         Political views

·         View of social issues (gay marriage,

abortion, etc.)

·         How you want to raise your children

·         Where you want to live (which state/country, and countryside or city)

·         Roles within the household

I was in a relationship with someone for four years whom I loved, but he came from a small town in the Hungarian countryside and was less open to gay marriage and accepting the LQBTQ community as a whole – and when I found this out it really made me question the relationship. Not to mention that after we moved in together, it became apparent that although he seemed open to more modern gender roles, he did expect me to do most of the cleaning and cooking, which I did not appreciate. These were serious signs that showed we didn’t agree on some very fundamental topics that are important to me.

You should never compromise on your fundamental topics – you should find a partner with whom you agree on all of them and share similar values, because even if it doesn’t cause a problem now, I guarantee it will long term.

4.       When you’re fighting all the time

This is more relevant for those who have been in a relationship for a while, but if you are at the point where you are fighting all the time – at least fighting more than actually being happy – then that is a problem.

In my last relationship, I was starting to become very unhappy towards the end. We weren’t “fighting” per say, but we had constant disagreements and I felt the strain and pressure on our relationship. And when we broke up he told me that he felt he was disappointing me all the time – and he was.

Fighting or disagreements are normal in any relationship, but they should not make up the bulk of any relationship by any means. You should be happy for the majority of the time you are with someone. Obviously, there can be rough patches and you can get out of them, but if you are unhappy and fighting, it might be time to call it quits. A relationship should bring out the best in you, not the worst.

5.       When you’ve become their mom/therapist

Becoming anything other than the person’s lover or partner in a relationship is very bad. You should feel equal to the person you are with and like you are supporting each other mutually, rather than you having to baby them or attend to their every need. Are they meeting your needs? Are they supporting you? If not, that’s a problem.

In my four-year relationship, I ended up being his mother – I cooked all his meals, managed his money, and made all of our life decisions for him. It came to the point where I did not find him attractive and my sex drive was quite low. That is not someone I could look up to.

In my last relationship, my ex had a lot of emotional baggage and problems that he dealt with and from the beginning I was the one he turned to and talked to about everything. And while this was sweet at the beginning of the relationship, it really took a toll on our romance and intimacy when I felt that I was his therapist. For months I begged him to go to therapy, and finally he did – then we broke up a week later, but that’s besides the point…

You should be with someone who is your equal and can give you what you give them. He doesn’t need another mother, and he can pay for a therapist if he needs one. Period.

Hope you all found this helpful! For more 1-1 coaching or mentoring on this topic, or any other, please reach out to us here or at doubletake.lifestyle@yahoo.com for private sessions.