HOW TO (NOT) LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS

If you haven’t seen the 2003 movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, stop what you are doing and go watch it now! Staring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey, this romcom is a new take on the male/female relationship, where Kate’s character Andie writes an article on ways to lose a guy, while Matthew’s character Barry has made a bet to keep her at all costs. Classic movie – go watch it.

This article was inspired by two things: the first, of course, was the movie. But the second was the experience I have personally had with dating, and watching my friends date over the last few years. I have watched my friends date relatively good guys, and have the relationship end before they even started. So what went wrong?

I want to mention this article will be written from our perspective, which is that of women dating men in a heterosexual relationship. However, all of these situations can be applied to the reverse (men dating women), as well as same-sex relationships.

There are obviously many things that can go wrong in a relationship, especially at the beginning, but let’s base this conversation on the premise that the basics are accounted for – you have met in person, you both find each other attractive, and there is chemistry. After this, there are several ways where we can ruin a relationship in the first few weeks, and often times we don’t even know we are doing it! So let’s discuss the ways in which to NOT ruin a relationship, aka 5 ways to not lose a guy in 10 days.

1.       Limit the details

Discussing past relationships can definitely be an interesting topic when you are getting to know someone. People often want to know how long you have been single, what was your longest relationship, or how many serious relationships have you had. I personally get a lot of interesting information from the men I date based on their past relationships. And while these topics are perfectly fine to discuss, it is the details that need to be tamed. While at the beginning stages of dating, people don’t want to necessarily know about the ex that cheated on you with everything that moved, or that boyfriend you had who couldn’t get it up. Although certain details do need to be discussed, you have to be careful of when you say it and how you say it. Make sure you are in a safe space and both of you are relaxed. Also, ask permission first. When the topic comes up, and let’s say they ask you a question about an ex, ask them how much detail they want to hear. Some people have no problem hearing every detail (like myself) while others have no interest in knowing the ins and outs of your past relationship. You have to be respectful of the other person and what they are ready to hear and not. Start slow, ask permission, and allow time and space for the other person to digest the information you are giving.

2.       Show your positive side

No, we do not always need to be perfect in front of someone new we are dating. We try to have the perfect hair, makeup done, interesting conversations, cool date ideas – but that’s just not realistic long term. And while we want to be realistic and understand that no one is perfect, we definitely don’t want to be negative – especially at the beginning of the relationship. Negativity can encompass a lot of things - whether that’s talking about how much you hate your job, discussing details of your cheater ex-boyfriend, or that bad fight you got into with your best friend. While you can and should lean on the person you are dating, you definitely want to be careful of how far you take the negativity at the beginning of a relationship. You don’t want the other person to think you are always complaining or look at the world in a negative way. Everyone has their own shit going on and the whole point of dating is to actually have fun and enjoy someone else’s company. People don’t want to go from their shitty job to a date where someone can only talk about the also very shitty day they had. Take five minutes, tell the person the problem you have, or the negativity in your life, and then move on. Make sure you have a good balance of being honest, but also have positivity in the conversations you have while dating.

3.       Balance your emotions

I will admit, I am really bad at this. I tend to not show how I feel about someone – not because I don’t want them to know, but because in general I am really bad at showing people how I really feel. And honestly, this is just as bad as showing too much emotion. When you are dating someone in the early stages, you should definitely show and tell them how you feel! If you like them, tell them. If you think they look good, tell them. If you like spending time with them, tell them. But not all the time! You don’t want to be over-emotional because that can come off as clingy, and especially in the beginning of the relationship, it is always better to take it slow and feel it out. I always believe that you should match the person’s emotions and feelings, and by that I mean, if you give a compliment, and they give one back, then perfect! But you shouldn’t be giving the other person five compliments when they only give you one. But conversely, if the person is telling you how they feel, but you aren’t, then you aren’t matching their feelings which they could take as disinterest on your part. Assuming you feel the same way, people want to feel cared about and liked, and men, just as much as women, need to feel affection from the person they are dating. It is important to gauge your feelings, your partners feelings, and try your best to have equal and matching emotional expression.

4.       Have healthy expectations

Let’s be clear: as a person, you should have certain expectations for yourself when dating or moving into a relationship. That can mean making sure the guy you are dating wants kids in the future, or that he lives in the same city, or that he is funny – these are all areas in which you should have specific standards. The expectations I am talking about here is in relation to time and communication. So what do I mean by that? When we meet a new guy and go on a few great dates, we can easily start falling for that person and want to spend more and more time talking to them or being with them. And while that is a normal feeling, we should not expect that the other person feels the same way! They might really like you too, but that doesn’t mean they want to text you every second of the day or hang out every other evening. You cannot have high expectations when it comes to quantity – at the beginning of a relationship, the quality is always what should be more important. If he only texts you once a day, but the conversations are meaningful, or he always makes plans in advance – then great! If you only hang out once a week, but he takes time to plan the date and spends several hours with you – that’s a good sign. You have to make sure that in the first few weeks you allow the relationship to move slow and feel each other out. Also, if you aren’t exclusive, then technically he is allowed to date other women, and you are allowed to date other men, so you really have no right to be upset that you aren’t talking or spending that much time together. Give the relationship a few weeks, and if it is going well, you should slowly be speaking more or spending more time together. After three months, you have a right to ask about commitment, but until then, try to remain chill and not have such high expectations regarding quantity, and focus more on the quality of the time and communication itself.  

5.      Live your best life

I absolutely cannot stress this enough – do not wait around for a guy and always have your own shit going on. If you are busy, then you won’t be waiting around for a guy to text you back or for them to make plans with you. Focus on work, your hobbies, go out with friends, date other people – live your best life. If you do this, it will solve so many of the anxieties and frustrations people feel at the beginning of a relationship when they are excited about the guy but also anxious about how much to communicate and see each other. I always prefer dating multiple guys at once, because that way you always have someone to talk to or hang out with if you want. But guess what? I don’t want to talk to them all the time nor do I want to see them all the time. I work a full time job, we run this blog and our coaching business, I love spending time with friends, I go to the gym several times a week, and I love me some Netflix. I don’t have the time nor the energy to worry about what the other person is doing and why they aren’t reaching out. If the relationship is going to work, then both people will make the right amount of effort and it will turn into the relationship it should be. In the meantime, focus on YOU!

+1 Bonus: To sex or not to sex

We can’t have a relationship and dating related post without a little sexy talk – especially since this question is such a big topic amongst people when they are dating. There is so much information out there about when to have sex with someone for the first time. Some say to wait at least five dates, others prefer to wait until there is verbal commitment, and others say it doesn’t matter unless it’s consensual. My personal take is: you have to gauge the other person and just do you. I know a couple who had sex on the first date and they are now married and trying for a baby. I personally had relationships where I waited weeks and we only went out for a year and a half. If you have a partner who sleeps with everything that moves, you probably don’t want to have sex with him on the first date, under the premise that he probably gets action whenever he wants and he would respect a woman more who takes it slow. Conversely, someone who is a serial monogamist might want to have sex on the first date and probably just like you more after. Again, these are stereotypes, and they are always exceptions to the rule. What matters is how you feel about the person, and how you feel personally. Always think, if you have sex with someone, and you never see them again – how will you feel? And base your decision on that. And at the end of the day, do you girl.

Hope you loved this post! For a free 30min coaching consultation on this topic or anything related to relationships or career, contact us here or at doubletake.lifestyle@yahoo.com.