AN OCEAN BETWEEN US...

Today, I am having a serious case of birthday blues...I know what you are thinking, but no, I am not sad that another of my birthdays has come and gone. This is not about me getting older, having more grey hair to color, or having to hold my cell phone further and further away each morning, thinking my eyes just need a little more time to focus properly and ignoring the fact that perhaps I do need prescription glasses despite my relentless denial. It is all about my oldest daughter's birthday. Our first year spending it apart from each other. This year, I will not be the one making her birthday lunch or dinner, which by the way is the same exact menu of work-intensive Hungarian dishes per her request year after year. I will not be baking her birthday cake; always something chocolate-y but also extra special.

So, if you saw me today running around with swollen, red eyes, it is not because I am sad or upset. (Trying to write this post and can barely see the screen). Quite the contrary, I am really happy because Diana is celebrating her 23rd birthday. She is where she wants to be, in Budapest, the same city I grew up in and adore. She is surrounded by family and friends who love her deeply. I am crying in happiness but my heart aches because I miss her so terribly much. I can hardly write these words; I did not think it would be this hard. I tried to prepare myself for this moment, just like when she moved out 10 months ago. You know the day is coming but you try not to think about it too much, purposely ignoring it instead of facing reality.

How do you let your kids go? Why does it have to be so damn hard? We used to be able to just hang out at home and watch our favorite shows after dinner. Oh, those Prison Break marathons...:) Going out to try new restaurants, enjoying happy hours, sharing different dishes so we can try more new things. I understand how lucky I am that we feel so close to one another, I value how special our relationship is. She is not only my daughter, but my best friend, my confidante. And now she is my business partner. We work together, creating something special not just for other people to enjoy but for ourselves. Writing this blog together makes us explore our lives, feelings, morals, and ideas even deeper than before.

Our relationship is every mother’s dream. We talk every day, several times. Yes, every single day. Catch up on work, her new job, our dinner plans, relationship issues. Of course, we confess every single new pair of shoes we buy. With pictures. Is it too much? She is 23 years old. Am I holding her too close to me? Is there such thing as too close? I do not think so, because it feels so right. She has her own life with her new circle of friends, she is independent and strong. I am also keeping very busy with her siblings and my own activities and friends. Our lives will always be intertwined. We also understand when to step back and give space to each other if needed. But we can count on each other without reservations. Always.

Distance is difficult to manage. Even though with today’s technology we can see each other or have live conversations whenever we wish but it’s just not the same as being in the same room, or at least even in the same city. We are thousands and thousands of miles apart. An Ocean, many countries, and 9 hours apart. Staring at my computer screen while trying to take control of my emotions, I can clearly see that special day 23 years ago. Easter Sunday April 11th in Budapest. A very special Sunday when my beautiful, blue eyed, blonde baby girl was born and my life change forever. For the better. For the best! #mommydearest

It’s my birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I’ve been thinking about my birthday for a while now, which I would say is unusual, considering I typically do not put this much effort into making plans for my birthday. Before this year my mom usually made me a birthday lunch where my family would come over, we would eat delicious food, per my request, stuff my face with chocolate cake, and open presents. I sometimes celebrated with friends, but due to the lack of interest I felt towards many of my “friends”, I often didn’t make much of an effort to celebrate with them. Boyfriends were a different issue. I usually had a boyfriend during my birthday time, but since most of my relationships were long distance or emotionally dysfunctional, I haven’t physically been with a boyfriend on my birthday since 2009. I guess I never felt like I needed to celebrate other than the family lunch that my mom prepared, maybe because her excitement, preparation, and love was enough to make my birthday the most special and perfect day I could possibly imagine.

So this year I decided that since I now live in a new city, with friends I actually like, and a boyfriend who is not physically distant or emotionally unstable, I wanted to really go all out and celebrate. Interestingly enough, I have a love/hate relationship with being the center of attention. Many times I yearn for it, but feel awkward and uncomfortable when it actually happens. Although celebrating my birthday in a big way is exciting, I really think my over-excitement about celebrating my birthday comes from attempting to overcompensate about the fact that this is the first birthday of mine and my mom’s (our birthdays are 9 days apart) that we will be spending apart. Her birthday was last weekend, and it broke my heart that I couldn’t be there to organize her birthday. Especially since she doesn’t have anyone in her love life to make her feel special, I usually go all out to make sure that I take the place of that person. On top of that, my younger siblings are truly incompetent when it comes to making plans, understanding emotions, or even wrapping gifts. So I made it my mission to skype and text my sister constantly, on a daily basis, to ensure that her and my brother would do something special for my mom. I ordered a gift for her online, which I spent 4 weeks researching and searching for before I finally decided on it, wanting to make sure that it was perfect and that she would love it indefinitely. Unfortunately, the plans were hijacked by my brother’s idiocy, and my mom didn’t get the birthday she deserved. The pain I felt was indescribable, and I felt like a failure.

Just a week later, and my birthday approaches, which I am so excited about and have extremely high expectations for. The weekend if filled with partying with friends, a family lunch hosted by my grandma, and a fun dinner and a movie night on my actual birthday with my boyfriend. (Hopefully macarons being included). The fact that my mom isn’t here is a thought I’ve been trying to suppress, as I often do with topics that are emotional. I miss her more than anything, and every step of the weekend I will be thinking of her and wishing she was next to me to celebrate this day that is as much mine as it is hers, since 23 years ago today, her love is what brought me into this world on that magical Easter day.