AM I A MASOCHIST?

Text messages containing spontaneous romantic dates for later that evening, food delivered to your door by your love when he knows you are sick, pillow talk every evening telling each other how your days went. These are all the common denominators of a healthy relationship. Except when your partner lives miles and miles away and your form of "pillow talk" is you laying in your bed, alone, with your phone to your ear and him doing the same wherever he is. This is called a long distance relationship: when you are in a romantic relationship with someone who is geographically distant from you. Who on earth would ever subject themselves to such pain? I mean how awful is it to not be able to physically touch, kiss, and hold the person that you love for extended periods of time? I guess I don't really paint a great picture of long distance relationships, so you might find it ironic to hear that I have actually been in 3. Yes, I know what you are thinking, why would I put myself through two more relationships of this nature after the first one didn't work out? Maybe the hope of finally finding someone worthwhile and not wanting to have the distance between us be the reason we can't be together and for me to not find me "happy ending". 

My first LDR started when I was 16 and lasted almost 3 years. In hindsight, maybe the relationship wouldn't have lasted so long if we had actually been physically together. We were 6000 miles apart, yes, I know, that's insane, a word I heard infinite times during high school whenever I told someone I was dating a guy who lived across the Atlantic ocean and on another continent. I guess I liked the idea of being with someone but not having "to be" with them all the time.  But this meant daily Skype conversations, constant texting and chatting online, sending pictures to one another (if you know what I mean...), and the pressure to be that partner that the other person needed without being able to actually be with them. Obviously, this came with its issues; jealousy, mistrust, miscommunication. And the relationship ended after a long battle between love and hate. The experience was profound, and I said that I would never get into a LDR again as long as I live. Well, that didn't last long. 

I soon found myself in a relationship with another Hungarian guy, who I thought would be different. Highly loyal and someone who would never betray me. The only problem was, that like a typical young Cancer male, he was completely closed off emotionally and had no real clue on how to be in a relationship, let alone a LDR. The texting was awful and un-emotional, the commitment to making each other feel good was non-existent, and the physical relationship we had in person suddenly diminished over technological communication. After much struggle, pain, and anxiety on my part, I decided to end it. Again, I said I would never do this to myself again. 

Then 2014 summer rolls around and I was visiting Budapest for a short time as usual, and, after much wooing, meet a guy whom I have an amazing first date with. (I want to prelude this next part by saying that at this point I had already planned on moving to Hungary in 2015 after I graduated college). So after our first date he brings up the fact that I am leaving soon, and asks what exactly are we doing? Surprised, I told him that I just want to "enjoy" the time I have left in the city before I leave. He agreed (DUH), but rather reluctantly, (probably due to the fact that his age at the time was over 30). 

When it came time for me to leave, I thought I would never talk to him again. When we said our goodbyes, he told me to let him know when I arrived home in the States. I did, thinking that would be it. We have talked everyday since then. He told me considering he knew I was moving back, he would be willing to wait for me, and be in a LDR for a year. We talked everyday, Skype-d often, sent pictures, told each other about our day, sent cards for holidays, gifts for birthdays, and I visited during my winter break from school. Besides the obvious compatibility we have, our LDR worked for 2 reasons: one, we had an end goal, meaning we knew that the distance wouldn't be forever. We had something to look forward to. And two, we both put an equal amount of effort into the relationship. We built on the emotional part of our relationship, telling each other our secrets, talking openly, and learning to communicate in a way that allowed the other person to be receptive of it. LDR's are not for everyone, and it takes a special kind of commitment to be in one, a certain kind of person that is able to see the light through the very long, dark tunnel. #dianasays

I guess the saying is true, children often follow in their parents' footsteps and make similar decisions and choices in their lives just like their parents did. I can say confidently with a couple of long distance relationships under my belt, I am a LDR expert myself. When I met my husband 26 years ago, he was working in Madrid. We met through work, became friends, then shortly after he was transferred to Budapest and we started dating. We visited his parents in Virginia during the summer holiday, and the trip and the walk down memory lane made him extremely homesick after living in Europe for a couple of years. Abruptly he made a decision to move back to the States. It was a rather unexpected and a very painful experience but after the initial shock and the decision to break up, we ended up staying in our relationship. What can I say? Two decades ago there was no Skype, Facebook or even cell phones to face-time one another. We were only able to talk on a landline, usually almost an hour every other day during my lunch-break. It had to be timed perfectly, we had 6 hours between us, lunch for me meant he was just getting up. For birthdays and Christmas, we sent presents by mail, hoping it actually made it there on time.

The first few weeks are the hardest but slowly you get used to the new situation. What you never get used to is the absence of your loved one on those special occasions; birthdays, Christmas's, weddings. You are always going alone. People want to set you up with dates because they assume you are single. When you tell them you are in a relationship, they roll their eyes and give you the "oh, I feel so sorry for you" look. You miss your significant other at parties with friends and family and your work events. Your love interest is the person you always talk about but who nobody has ever seen or met. So, after several month of torture, we decided that it was best for me to move to America and give a chance to our lives together. Marriage, 3 kids, lasted 23 years...

I believe that our advanced technology and always improving communication devices make LDR's an option for more and more people. Certain aspects are still very hard, like when you had a horrible day and you just want a hug from your love to assure you everything is going to be alright. Or something amazing happened to you but you cannot share this happy moment right away with the very person you want to share it with the most. But you can call each other, anywhere, anytime. Our cellphones are attached to our right hands. You can see each other daily, which really makes the distance much more bearable. You can put on your makeup and dress up pretty and have a virtual date. As long as you can overcome the challenges of the time difference. Unfortunately there are times when an unforeseen event comes up and your date does not happen. It is worse then canceling a date in person, for some reason the disappointment is much bigger and more painful.

Diana is right, Long Distance Relationships require a special commitment and incredible amount of patience. You will be disappointed so many times due to circumstances neither of you can control. Even if you both put in an equal amount of energy, love and care, things will happen. You will be stuck at work, or in traffic. Or your internet will shut down. At the worst possible times. Or you just simply fall asleep while waiting for the other to call you because it is already bedtime for you, while your love just starts his day. Is it worth it? Well, is any relationship worth it? Of course, it is. Just like with in-person dating, you have to meet the right guy/girl, you have to work hard to make it happen, create the magic, so you can have something absolutely amazing that could turn into a perfect relationship in the future. #mommydearest