THE "D" WORD

Dating. A word with infinite definitions, meanings, and contexts of which I find hard to keep up with. The intricacy increasing when I add in the fact that I am multicultural, aka I've dated men (or often boys) from both the US and Hungary. I had my first boyfriend at almost 15, a nice American boy with German roots who was 2 years older, went to a different high school than I, and whose relationship was based on a mutual love of texting. We texted all the time. I mean I racked up over 5000 text messages in a month easy. We barely saw each other, for many reasons, probably one being my parents' lack of enthusiasm for him and I to hang out, the fact that he lived 30 minutes away with no license, and that it really didn't interest me to spend more time with him. That relationship ended with me being too scared to break up with him and therefore convincing him he deserved better than me and so "he broke up with me". The few boys I dated after that were a combination of the same-named boys who I each got bored with after a given period of time. One moved too fast, telling me he loved me after a month (EW), and the other I considered just a friend and nothing more. Then came my first love, who was the first Hungarian guy I dated, long distance, for almost 3 years. I know what you're thinking, who has such a long distance relationship at 16?? I'm notably insane, although I do want to emphasize the relationship was his idea to begin with. Anyways, the relationship was great while it was great, and really bad when it was bad. There was lying, deceit, and cheating involved (not on my end, of course) and after almost 3 years of emotional roller-coasters, we decided (amicably) to break up. I thought I was going to die. The pain was unbearable, but I took it one day at a time and after 3 months I was dating again. Even after the breakup there was months of emotional torture involving him, his family, and his new girlfriend, whom I knew. In hindsight, he was/is a jealous, immature, rude, obnoxious, lying, deceitful prick of a person and I often wonder what attracted me to him in the first place. Dark hair? Tattoos? Blue eyes? It's safe to say, I've learned my lesson. 

The next "relationship" (if you can even call it that) that I had involved a very typical Southern California boy whom I was "dating" on and off for over 2 years. This was the typical can't-live-with-you, can't-live-without-you relationship where when he came home from college to visit we would hang out and talk and text and everything was great, but when he went back to school no communication at all. So I started dating other people in an attempt to get over him, and I swear guys have a radar, because as soon as I found someone else he started texting me again. Apparently our weeks on end without communication still meant we were in a relationship...WTF?? Flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. So we continued our on and off relationship for another year and a half. In between I dated a variety of other guys; a 26 year old from New York who claimed he wanted to "get to know me" and then stopped calling after I wouldn't have sex with him. There was the coworker who was way too attached. There was the Hungarian musician whose words were so smooth, his smile so inviting, and his lips ever so soft, who I spent a few vacations in Budapest making out with, even one summer break when he had a girlfriend (hence why it didn't work out). I can't forget the emotionally distant, closed off Hungarian guy I (perhaps mistakenly) had a very brief long distance relationship with, who also happened to be friends with my first love (oops). At this point I have basically had it up to my ears with little immature boys who don't keep their promises, just want to hook up, have no real interest in getting to know me, and don't treat me like the woman I am. So am I the issue? What am I doing wrong? Then comes a guy I will call J. J is slightly older, and by older I mean 10 years older. It's safe to say I was completely freaked out when he pursued me. I didn't think I was mature enough to handle such an older guy (He was 31 at the time and I was 21). Turns out he was exactly what I needed. Our relationship lasted about a month, and nothing really happened sexually, probably because I considered him just a friend, but the experience was eye opening. He called when he said he would. He took me on real dates. He picked me up, brought me home. Called me just to chat and see how my day went...and when I say call I don't mean text I mean actually CALL. I realized that older guys do indeed act differently than guys my age. 

So summer 2014 rolls around and I'm in Hungary once again (and single) and my best friend tells me she has a co-worker she is great friends with and that the three of us should hang out. I'm down, of course, so we set up a time to all hang out, grab some drinks. My best friend flakes. Several times. Which isn't unusual. So this guy, let's call him G, adds me on Facebook and messages me saying, 'how about we figure out a time to meet since (my friend) can't get it together'. So basically I tell him that isn't going to happen. Why would I meet up with a guy I don't even know who is (also) 10 years older than me?? No thanks. So after a month of pursuing me, I finally gave into meeting him, as long as it was on my terms. He came and picked me up, we went to this really cool place nearby and drank lemonade and talked for like 3 hours. I found out he has a car (duh, he picked me up), a job, and rents his own apartment. AND he was nice and fun to talk to. I thought it was too damn good to be true. The night was great. He takes me home, in the car asks to kiss me, and I tell him he shouldn't have to ask. Sly, right? I know :D And after that night we have talked everyday since and this summer will be 2 years that we are together. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know both good and bad dating experiences have led me to the place I am now. In a relationship where I know what I'm worth and am treated exactly as I should be. #dianasays

Where should I start? With my non-existent dating experience since my divorce or with comments on my daughter’s dating life? Well, when I was young, dating did not seem like such a difficult task. You met boys in your school, or during your extra curricular activities. For me it was my folklore dance group. We practically grew up together, traveled the world, almost spent more time with each other than with our families. Being in my 40’s and single again in America is a whole different ballgame. Which “game” I am extremely uncomfortable with. Maybe that is the reason I have not put too much effort into dating. I was married for almost 20 years, together for 23. All of a sudden I do enjoy my freedom. Of course who am I kidding, my life is still ruled by my kids’ schedules but still. I make my own decisions. I run my life as I please, discussing it only with myself. Feeling this way is probably the product of marrying very young. I met my ex-husband when I had just turned 21 and we got married a couple of years later. Moved in with him straight out of my parents’ house. I have never really been on my own. Although, sometimes you feel much more alone living side by side with someone, than actually living alone on your own. Another future topic. :)

But at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I did look on some of the dating sites. I have to tell you, this is a crazy world. Such an eye opening experience. Please, do not be offended, I am sure there are some super nice, intelligent and real guys out there, but OMG!!! What is wrong with men? They post pictures of themselves from 20 years ago, lie about their age just a little, making them appear 5 to 10 years younger so they can attract younger women. And they say we women are obsessed with our looks and ages? Seriously guys. Men between the ages of 45-55 are the worst, they have absolutely ridiculous expectations. They are looking for women in their 30’s, having several degrees, including hopefully a PhD. Looking like Victoria’s Secret models but still wanting to have children, (they already lost me right here, delete delete..) and of course keeping their hot sexy bodies after having more little monsters. Manage their own career while raising the kids plus his kids from his previous marriages. A gourmet cook, a sex goddess, an opera lover, a book worm, should I go on? This is for real, I am not making this up. If you are ever bored, go and check those sites out. Might be entertaining or infuriating. Either way, for now, I am leaving it to chance, instead concentrating on the most important aspect of my life, my own children.

Speaking of children, there are no parents out there who are excited about their 15-year-old daughter dating anyone. We don't want our kids to grow up too fast, we would like to keep them young and innocent, protect them from heartaches and of course sometimes the boyfriend from hell. Luckily Diana’s first “dates” were fairly innocent and the only damage was to my wallet paying her phone bills. You should see how fast she can text…$$$!

Her “first love”. I am sure we all had similar experiences at one time in our life when you look back and wonder; what was I thinking? So what on earth was my smart and beautiful first born thinking to choose this guy as her first real boyfriend? He was handsome. Probably was very charming and nice to her. But that was about it. Nothing else. No real goals, no desire to study or achieve anything. No manners. At all. This one was especially painful for me. I taught my kids the importance of being respectful, how to behave in someone else’s house, how to be thankful and extra helpful when you are a guest. But we all know: Love is blind. And deaf. You lose reality completely. Anything your boyfriend does, and annoys the heck out of your entire family, is totally normal to you. You think the problem is with your own family and not with the dreadful boyfriend. What else can you do to make your daughter see the light, for her to realize that she is wasting her time on someone unworthy of her love and devotion? Telling her the truth will drive her away and simply push them closer to each other, sometimes out of sheer defiance. Better to sit back and take another approach. To some extent “embrace” the situation instead of fighting it out in the open. I created situations where I thought he would fail and it would be obvious to my daughter. I barely had to try, this was almost too easy. Invited him to cultural events, sightseeing and even into my own home. It was a disaster. But my daughter’s loving eyes and mind would refuse to see the real person. She was in love, she believed in him, she believed he could change for her. If that would ever work…

I realized I needed to look deep inside myself and think about my first love and choices. That special first love consumes our mind and soul. It prevents us from seeing the reality, seeing the person for who they really are. Nobody can help you see the truth. We have to find out ourselves, often through a very painful experience. So, I patiently waited for this relationship to end, for the boyfriend to disappear. Hopefully very soon. Meanwhile contemplating of hiring a cute boy to sway my daughter’s heart away. :)

All of a sudden they broke up. Timing was extra awful, going through the divorce, Diana already felt terribly hurt and now on top of it she lost her first love. We were consumed with our own pain, yet as a mom I had to be there for her. I hate to see my children suffer, to see them heartbroken. I understood how difficult this must have been for her but on the other hand, I could have not been happier that this nightmare finally ended.

Going through this experience as a parent really taught me how to be better at handling these situations. Our lives changed dramatically in the last few years, we had so many important milestones, some really sad ones, some extremely happy. Meanwhile boys come and go. It is good to stand in the background and let them figure it out on their own. Of course it helps that she is older and grown into an amazing young woman, who knows what she wants and will make the best choice for herself. As long as we are always here to listen and be ready to help to celebrate the happy moments or comfort them in times of sadness. And to teach them to never give up, never give up their dreams, never give up on themselves. Never give up on LOVE! #mommydearest