So let’s be clear, fighting - as in yelling, screaming, throwing things, physical violence - should not be part of any relationship. Rather, couples should have constructive, open, and calm discussions or disagreements about whatever issues are at hand. If these discussions escalate, they can lead to larger arguments, which can really cause some emotional scars within the relationship.

So the question is, is it possible to argue/disagree, and make the relationship even stronger afterwards? Yes, it is absolutely possible, but it does take a lot of effort, changes in communication style, and the overall understanding of your partner and their needs. So to help you in the right direction, here are 5 techniques for arguing/disagreeing effectively with your partner.

1.       Take a break if needed

Before you even get into the details of a disagreement, first think about whether or not the two of you are thinking clearly. Is one person extremely mad? Is one person crying? Is one person yelling? If any of these or similar very extreme emotions are taking place, then it is best to put the conversation on hold and either embrace in a hug, or agree that one person physically leaves the situation to give each of you some space.

Walking away from a situation does not mean that one person doesn’t care or that they are ignoring the problem at hand – walking away for a few minutes or even an hour can help both individuals calm their emotions and think about the situation clearly. It is important though, that if someone needs space, they communicate this to the other person. Some ways to say this could be:

“I need some space right now so I am going for a walk, but when I come back I would like to continue this discussion”, or

“I don’t think we are getting anywhere with this argument – let’s take a break and discuss it again tomorrow over dinner after we have both thought about it”.

I have a friend who always has the same argument with her boyfriend, which is, he wants to eat dinner with her and gets upset when she wants to wait and isn’t hungry. Instead of getting mad at him and arguing, she told him she needed space and went into the other room for an hour so he could calm down and realize that he argues with her about the same thing over and over. Rather than trying to find a compromise, which in this case would be him having a light snack, then waiting until she is hungry so that they can eat together, he just gets mad at her. Giving him some time, allowed the situation to remain calm and not escalate into a bigger argument.

2.       Don’t make permanent decision on temporary feelings

This is in line with point one, but what I always say to people is never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings. Those permanent decisions could be something as extreme as telling your partner you want to break up, while later realizing you don’t.

I am a huge proponent of not saying things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment, because even if we apologize later on, people never forget what was said to them. A breakup, moving out, or any other huge decision should never be made in the heat of the moment, or during a fight, but it should be something that is well thought-out and discussed in a calm manner.

You should also avoid saying things you don’t really mean because they can end up backfiring later on.

I have a friend who has been at odds with her boyfriend for the last 2 years, but they share a daughter, so they have been struggling to make the relationship work. During their fights, she has asked him to leave and move out on multiple occasions, but she never sees it through, so when she said it and actually meant it, he didn’t take her seriously.

If you want to have any sense of “power” in your relationship, make sure you only make final statements when you really mean it and have thought it out, otherwise they will have no merit.  

3.       Forget about extremes and absolutes

What we say and the way we communicate during a fight is crucial; but are there words we should avoid? YES!! Any words that are extremes, or absolutes, should not be used in a fight. Some examples include “never, always, all the time”.

If you are fighting with man, and you say to him, “you never take out the trash!”, is this true? Has he never once taken out the trash? Because if he hasn’t, then fine, but if he has, it makes the person you are saying it to feel like you don’t appreciate anything that they do.

Using words that are extremes or absolutes sound over dramatized and can leave the person receiving the information focusing on the choice of words rather than the point you are trying to make. Instead try saying something like:

“I don’t feel that the house chores are split equally – I feel I pay more attention to the trash being taken out and it bothers me that you don’t notice when it’s full”.

Instead of blaming the person for the issue, tell them what your observation is and what you would like them to do. This will likely open up a conversation that is more calm and where you can find a compromise to the issue at hand.

4.       Explain feelings rather than blame

During fights, we never want to blame the other person, because that will create a blame game, or cause the other person to shut down and be non-communicative. We should always lead with how we feel, and express how the actions of the other person made us feel.

Let’s use an example I had with an ex, where we were at a Christmas party together and he was dancing quite inappropriately with another female colleague and I was privy to this situation. I could have said:

“You’re such an asshole to dance with that girl in front of me – you don’t respect me and you act like I don’t even exist – it was disgusting”.

Instead, I said something like the following:

“I felt really upset when I saw you dancing with the other girl – it made me feel like you don’t respect me or don’t love me. You knew I was at the party and I felt our relationship was completely disrespected by your actions last night”.

The second scenario emphasizes the feelings that he brought out of me due to his actions – when you tell someone how something made you feel, they can’t dispute that – they have to accept those feelings and deal with them (he apologized profusely the whole next day). This way of communicating in a fight or disagreement is also much more constructive as it is non-aggressive and doesn’t put direct blame on the other person. When you are calm and can verbally communicate your feelings in this way, the other person will be so much more receptive to what you are saying and actually focus on the content of what you are expressing, and hopefully own up to their actions.

5.       Focus on one topic at a time

So often in fights, couples begin arguing about one thing, and end up arguing about something completely different. There are a few ways to avoid this, and the first is to follow steps 1-4 to ensure you are calm, not heated, don’t blame, and don’t use extreme wording.

If you are arguing with someone who is notorious for putting blame on you, or even gaslighting you (psychologically manipulating you), then there are ways to bring the focus back to what you want.

Let’s take an example situation that my friends deal with often, where the woman would like to have more help around the house from her partner, and he always turns it around on her.

She says: “I feel like I don’t receive enough help from you with chores around the house, and I need you to please help with the laundry, fix the balcony, and make dinner during the week”.

He says: “You’re always complaining and yelling at me – you never want to compromise and you are always on my case about everything”.

In this scenario, the man tries to put the blame on her and turn the situation around. Here is what she can say to get back on track:

She says: “If you have an issue with the way I communicate with you, I would be happy to discuss that. But first let’s please finish discussing the topic of chores around the house”.

If you are with someone who is very stubborn, then this might take a few tries, but this is a good technique to get the conversation back on track.

Arguing and disagreements don’t have to be yelling, screaming, throwing plates, or regretting words that you don’t mean. Disagreements can be civilized – even helpful – if done the right way. Hopefully these techniques gave you all some good insights on how to argue and disagree more effectively with your partner.

If you are in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, please seek help by contacting a medical professional or your local help center or shelter.

For 1-1 coaching sessions for you or you and your partner, or any other topics, please contact us here or at doubletake.lifestyle@yahoo.com.