A few weeks ago we wrote a post about how to date under quarantine, and you guys loved it! We love talking about all things dating, relationship and sex and want this to be a safe place for you all to come and read about those topics that might otherwise be considered “taboo”.

With that said, I want to talk about another taboo topic, and that is: contraception and when and how to talk to your partner about it, plus some tips on sexual health in general related to contraception.

Having sex with someone for the first time is a mix of emotions: you can feel anxious, happy, special – but also fearful, nervous, and cautious. Having sex with someone is not just shits and giggle, but it is a big responsibility. Sex means the possibility of pregnancy as well as sexually transmitted diseases, and we really have to make sure that we are protecting ourselves physically when it comes to sex. No one wants to wake up one morning thinking they have accidentally become pregnant or contracted an STD.

But understanding contraception and talking to a partner about it can be really uncomfortable and awkward and - let’s be real – kill the mood. So I have 5 sexual health tips, including how and when to discuss contraception with your partner.

1.       Know your facts

What I would recommend to anyone to start with is: get the facts. Do research, talk to your doctor, speak with friends – get all the information about contraceptives that you can! There are a million different kinds from birth control pills, IUD’s, condoms, female condoms, and more. Understand the different types and talk to your doctor about which method is best for you. Some contraceptives have hormones, some don’t – some have side effects, and some can even cause an allergic reaction if you don’t know your body – so it is really important to consult your doctor and understand what is best for you. If you feel embarrassed about talking to your doctor, then go online and do some research for yourself, or talk to someone you know and trust who has a medical background that can help.

As soon as I became sexually active, my mom took me to the gynecologist and we discussed different forms of birth control. I ended up choosing a birth control pill, and I have been taking it for the last 10 years. I did have side effects when I first started taking them and they included weight gain. I also had positive side effects such as a regulated cycle and my acne completely cleared up. Understand what works for you and your body.

I do want to be clear though that the above-mentioned contraception is typically good for preventing pregnancy. But that is not the only thing that we need to be careful of – sexually transmitted diseases are very common, and although most of the time they can be easily treated, there are versions which can cause serious complications – especially for women - and can affect your ability to get naturally pregnant in the future. I highly recommend always using condoms on top of any other birth control – that is one of the only forms of contraceptive that helps prevent STDs at a high level.

2.       Have a plan

Before you even discuss contraception with a partner, you should have a plan. Whether that means you are on the pill, have an IUD, or have condoms in your bedroom dresser – be prepared. This is especially true in male/female heterosexual relationships: LADIES, do NOT wait on the man to bring condoms or be prepared. Take control of your sex life and be prepared. No man will think any less of you if you have condoms with you or in your apartment. And if they do judge you, that is not the open and forward-thinking person you want to be with.

As mentioned, I am on the pill, but I have a box of condoms with me in my bedroom dresser drawer at all times and take them with me if I go on vacation with a boyfriend or person I am seeing. You never want to be in a situation where you want to have sex but don’t have protection – that can lead to having sex unprotected, which we know can cause unwanted pregnancy and the contraction of STDs. Like I always say, ‘it is better to be safe than sorry’ – your older self will thank you later.

3.       Discuss outside of the bedroom

So you’ve done your research, you have a plan, and now you are thinking about having sex with someone for the first time – so how do you bring up the topic of protection before you have sex?

Any psychologist and psychological book would recommend NOT discussing this in the bedroom – this should be discussed at a separate time before any sexual activity has started. That way, you are not in the heat of the moment and you can make clear decisions and you don’t “ruin the moment” with a heavier topic. There are several approaches on how you can discuss this with your partner:

• Over text: this is the least personal way to discuss, but if you feel uncomfortable discussing in person, this could be a less aggressive way to approach the situation. You can say something like:

  • Funny version: ‘Send picture of box of condoms’ and say: “I’m ready for the weekend, can’t wait to see you!”

  • Sexy version: “Babe I can’t wait to have you all to myself this weekend, but can we talk about protection, so we don’t take time away discussing it while we are together?”

  • Direct version: “I’m really looking forward to hanging out with you this weekend, and I am ready to have sex, but before we do, I wanted to discuss protection with you, and what you had in mind.”

• In person: discussing such a personal topic is always better in person, because you can really discuss it in length, see the person’s emotions, and not accidentally misinterpret their messages. There are many ways to bring this up, but here are a few examples of how you can bring up the topic:

  • While at drinks: “I really like you and I am ready to take the next step – what do you think about protection?”

  • While cooking dinner: “Before we move into the sexy part of the evening, I wanted to talk to you about something not so sexy….What did you have in mind in terms of protection”?

  • Making a joke: When you show him around your place, make a reference to your “drawer” where you keep all the fun stuff: games, condoms, etc. Then ask, “Are you cool with using condoms?”

Most of these methods rely on you asking a question related to contraception, and while I think you should always have a plan, asking a question and putting it on your partner to tell you what their expectations are allows for an open discussion. Then they will probably ask you how you feel, and you can tell them the type of protection you prefer to use/take and what makes you comfortable.

4.       Stick to your guns

So you have brought up the conversation, and now your partner has reacted. If all goes well, they will agree with your preferences and want to ensure they are careful as well. But what if they tell you they don’t want to use protection? That condoms are uncomfortable? Or they are allergic?

There are medical reasons why someone would not want to use condoms (some people are allergic to latex), BUT there are types that are made of different material and you can talk to your doctor should there be any medical reason why certain contraception is not right for you and your partner.

However, if a man does not want to use protection for simply pleasure reasons – girl, don’t buy into that bullshit! Your health is so much more important than any man and any sexual experience. There are plenty of partners out there who are willing to be safe and be respectful of what you want. You can say, “I’m sorry, but my sexual health is really important to me and in order to feel comfortable having sex with you, I would need you to wear a condom.” If he still says no, then show him the door. Period.

I have had mostly good experiences with men more than willing to wear condoms, however, I did date someone who refused to use condoms and I went along with it. Looking back, it was stupid of me, and we probably would have never had sex should I not have given in, but after that point I never made the same mistake again. It is your body and you need to do what feels right for you.

5.       Keep up with your health

Ladies and gentlemen, your health, and sexual health should be of upmost priority. Women should be getting regular pap smears and men and women should get regular STD/HPV/HIV checks if you are sexually active. Using protection is just the first step, but it doesn’t guarantee absolute protection. Getting tested is a sure way to ensure you are healthy and that you don’t pass on any diseases to your partners. All of us want to have and strive to have great and healthy sex lives, and that means taking care of our bodies in every aspect.

When I was 15, I got the HPV vaccination, which helps prevent the transmission of certain strains of HPV. Back then, men were not able to get the vaccination, but they are now. Now everyone is different, and we have different needs, but this is just an example of one thing that I did. It is crucial that you take time and energy to ensure your sexual health is on par - if not only for you partner, but for yourself.

For more information on sexual health, please speak to your doctor or medical provider.

For 1-1 coaching sessions on how to communicate with a partner, you can reach us here or at doubletake.lifestyle@yahoo.com.