Relationships are fucking hard. Breakups are even harder. There are a variety of reasons why people break up, some including, but not limited to: cheating, love dying out, wanting to be single, physical distance, constant arguing, unhappiness, and so on. Often times breakups are painful and take a big emotional toll on both parties and cause significant physical and emotional pain for a long period of time.

So what happens when after a breakup, you and your ex reconnect, and consider getting back together? Is it a good idea? Will a relationship work a second time after a failed first try? There’s an expression in Hungarian, which translates to something along the lines of: only cabbage is good warmed up in the microwave, which basically means once a relationship is over, it will not be good the second time around. And while this is true for a lot of food groups (pizza is always better the day of), relationships are a bit more complex, and there are plenty of times when starting over with someone can actually be long-lasting.

In order to better understand if you should start round two with an ex, we have put together the 5 questions you should ask yourself before getting back together with an ex:

1.       Why did you break up?

Before you move forward, you need to look back and understand why you broke up in the first place. The reason this is so important is because you both need to understand what led up to the breakup and how, potentially, you can prevent that from happening again. If someone cheated, can the other person forgive them for it and move on? If it was because of a long-distance relationship, is there a chance for you both to live in the same city? If it was because of constant fighting, what were you fighting about, and could those issues be resolved?

It is so important to reflect on the past and understand each other’s thinking and what led to the decision in the first place. This will probably need to be done individually in the form of self-reflection, and also together, once you are at the point of considering getting back together. I recommend self-reflecting first, then coming with a list of points to a conversation with your potential partner and have an open and honest discussion of what went wrong – but also what went well in the relationship.

2.       Did you give each other enough space?

This really coincides with point one, but, did you give each other enough space post breakup? If you break up, and get back together a week later, I guarantee no one had the time or mental capacity to self-reflect (see point 1). It usually takes us time to really comprehend and understand what went wrong in the relationship, and what our part was in the breakup.

I strongly recommend waiting 3-6 months and allowing each other the time to not only heal from the breakup, but have the time and opportunity to really reflect and understand what happened. As they say, hindsight is 20/20, and we can always see more clearly after we are on the outside of the situation.

Some of you might read 3-6 months and think, oh my gosh, that’s too long, what if they find someone else before then? Well, I am sorry to say that if they find someone else and are happy, then it wasn’t meant to be between you two in the first place. If two people love each other and want to make their relationship work, they usually will.

3.       Why are you considering getting back together?

Do you actually miss your partner as a person, as a whole, or do you just feel alone? After a breakup, often people feel extremely lonely – as if they have lost their partner and best friend all in one. It is normal to grieve the loss and take time to feel the pain through. That is why it is really important to understand why you are considering getting back together? As much as it hurts, that is why I recommend 3-6 months, because that is the point when you can start seeing more clearly. Our emotions often override our logical way of thinking, and cause us to feel things we wouldn’t normally feel, should our emotions not be so heightened.

Getting back together with an ex should be about both of you realizing that you love each other and want to live your life together. It is about missing the way the person makes you feel, the way they support you, the way they love you, and the way they make you a better person.

Really try to evaluate why you want to get back together with your ex and make sure it is for the right reasons – and not because you feel lonely or sad, but because they add to your already fabulous life.

4.       Have you changed?

Even the best people can make mistakes and behave wrong in a relationship. We all have emotional baggage we carry and we all have pre-determined notions of how a relationship should be. When you are in a relationship, it is sometimes hard to take yourself out of the situation and evaluate it from the outside. That is why, even though painful, a breakup is often necessary.

If you have given yourself and your partner space (see point 2), then you can think about and evaluate what you felt hurt by in the relationship, but also what you did wrong. No one is perfect, and it often takes two to get to a breakup, so self-reflect on what you did wrong, and how you contributed to the downfall of the relationship. Think about how you communicated, the words you said, whether you were distant, if you did things to make them jealous on purpose, whether or not you provoked them – whatever it is, reflect.

After a tough breakup, we always recommend seeing a psychologist for support, as they can see the situation from the outside with an unbiased view (read our post on the 5 benefits of seeing a psychologist here). There is no point in starting over with your ex if you haven’t changed the behaviors that made you break up in the first place.

5.       Do they make you a better person?

This is honestly the most important question, and really encompasses all of the others, and that is: do they make you a better person? And if the answer is no, then really there is nothing else to discuss. If the answer is yes, then that is where you can really consider getting back together with you ex.

Do they motivate you to be better? Do they support your goals and dreams? Do they speak in a positive way to you? Do they listen to what you have to say? Do they help you look at the world in a better, more positive way? These might seem like silly questions, but they are extremely important when considering getting back with an ex. Because you have already been in a relationship with them, you probably already know the answer, and that is why you need time, and self-reflection to actually analyse whether you are a better person with or without them in your life. This is the time to be honest with yourself, and make decisions for your future self and your future happiness.

Hope you liked this post! For 1-1 coaching sessions on this topic or any other, please email us here or at doubletake.lifestyle.com.