Do you remember the early days of your relationship when you could not keep your hands off each other? When the sheer thought of your significant other made you want to rip their clothes off? Since then, a couple of years has gone by and now you are living together, you have a mortgage to pay, you both work long hours, and at the end of the day all you want to do is cuddle up on the couch while watching your favorite show. It is completely normal to transition from being “crazy in love” to being “content” in love with your partner. We get older, our responsibilities grow and our priorities change, perhaps you already started a family. Let’s face it, when you are trying to change out of your clothes your child just spit up on into a less-dirty pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, it doesn’t exactly make you feel sexy or horny. No matter where you are in your life, connecting on a deeper level emotionally and keeping the sexual desire burning takes major effort on both of your parts. To help you keep that special spark alive, we wrote up some ideas to help you get back between the sheets.

We believe that there is no real, long lasting sexual chemistry in a relationship without a deeper emotional connection. So how do you stay “mentally” connected?

• First, do not forget to have fun! Smiling at each other, making each other laugh is extremely important. Try to put away your problems for few minutes every day, and enjoy the moment, joke around, and make each other smile.

• Put your phone and laptop away, and have a real conversation every single day without interruption. Allocate a special time for this, let’s say before dinner or while drinking coffee together in the morning, and listen to each other. Stay curious about your partner’s work and activities, talk about your families, your kids’ upcoming sports events, or the latest company gossip. Does not matter what the topic is, but show that you really care, make each other feel confident that they can confide in you about anything.

• Show that you appreciate your partner. Even if it is an expected task, for example taking out the garbage, still thank them. Be grateful for the help you get with carrying in the groceries. Say thank you to your girlfriend for doing your laundry. Do not take things for granted. Small complements go a long way. It is nice to feel needed and wanted.

• Be honest with each other about your needs both emotionally and sexually. We often assume that the other person knows what we want and need, but most of the time they are clueless. Do not be afraid to state the obvious. It is probably only obvious to you, nobody is a mind reader.

• Remember and remind each other about your special memories. It is always nice to bring up a sweet memory you two have shared in the past. Do activities you did at the beginning of your relationship which made you really happy, like dancing together, playing sports, traveling, or taking romantic walks.

Now it is time to move on to the sexy talk. Intimacy is a very important part of our relationships. But as with everything else in life, it is easy to fall into a pattern of comfortable and rather boring sex, or even the complete lack of it. We all remember every new fling we had and how exciting it was at the beginning. A new relationship is always exhilarating but then comes the everyday, boring routine. Keeping up the romance in the bedroom takes equal amount of effort, just like working on our emotional connection. So, what can we do to rekindle the lust and amazing sex we used to have when we were just dating?

1. Talk about intimacy, talk about sex

   Just like when you are trying to create a deeper emotional connection, you need to open up to each other about your sexuality. Talk honestly about your needs, fantasies, and desires. This can be hard for some people, not everyone is capable of sharing their basic sexual needs or deepest fantasies with each other. Start slow, maybe each time share one little secret or desire you have. If talking seems hard, try a sex game. Both of you write down your fantasies on separate papers and put it in a box or in a hat, and take turns each time pulling one paper out to discuss and try. Be open, but also, do not feel obligated to do something you are not feeling comfortable with. You can always “discard” and pull another card, just like playing charades. Also, you can find fun sex board games at special stores or you can play online apps to explore your desires and fantasies. Try http://www.kindu.us/. This app allows you to answer questions, but careful, nothing is taboo. After logging in, share you app name with each other, then both of you respond to the questions by yourself without your partner seeing your choices. Select your likings, then share it with each other. The app let’s your partner see what you like only if they chose the same thing. So nothing to worry about, but you might find out that your deepest desires are the same as your partner’s.

2. Plan for sex

This again might seem too obvious but with our busy lives, sex becomes routine and routine takes the fun and excitement out of our intimacy. So plan on having sex. Set up a special time, discuss it in advance. Create a romantic evening by lighting candles, playing some nice music, instead of the usual beer after work, drink some champagne to get you in the mood. Send each other sexy messages during the day - yes, sexting can be fun. It can help grow the anticipation of your special time together. You can also pull out some special toys for the occasion or watch XX-rated (porn) movies together. How about a special trip to a sex store to pick out toys together for the night to come? Do whatever it takes to break away from the norm - make it special and exciting - dirty talking is also allowed.

3. Go on a trip or plan a weekend getaway

Hotel sex is always hotter than having sex at home in your own bedroom. Whether it is the minibar or the gaudy interiors and pictures on the wall, or perhaps the security of being away from your nosy kids - it seems to get people in the mood as soon as the room key is swiped. Vacations are fun because you can finally relax and get away from your every day grind. But of course you do not have to go out of town - a staycation can be just as exhilarating. Book a hotel room for an overnight stay somewhere close by and plan a fun evening. Go to a nice restaurant for dinner or order room service. Take a walk downtown or make out by the river. When was the last time you kissed in a park sitting on a bench, or played a little in the sand by the ocean? Staying out of town is also a perfect time for a little role play. Nobody knows you so let your guard down. Go to the hotel bar and pretend to be a different person, let you partner play along and try to pick you up for a “one night stand”. Let your imagination be your guide.

4. Ditch the bedroom and your California King bed

Are you having sex in your bedroom 10 times out of 10? Well then it is time to think out of the box, or out of the bedroom. There are plenty of places in your house or apartment where you can get down and dirty with your partner. Nothing should be off limits, living room couch, kitchen table, or your laundry room. Use your imagination and surprise your partner. On your way home from the movies, pull over in a dark alley or drive into the forest and go for it in your car. Be spontaneous! And do not forget about your shower or bath tub either. Bathroom sex can be extremely hot and steamy…literally.

5. Put the sexy back into your sweatpants

Remember those first dates when you dressed your best - sexy underwear, tight skirt, and sweet perfume, sharp jacket with the perfect tie and head turning cologne? Now you get home and you change into your old sweatpants and a t-shirt. You are sleeping in comfy but not-so-sexy pajamas. Well, I hate to tell you this, but a little lace goes a long way. Flirt with your clothes, so your partner knows without saying anything what to expect after you guys tuck the kids into bed. Put a little effort into being sexy at home as well. A peekaboo lacey underwear showing from your jeans can be just the thing to make your partner wish your dinner guests left faster. Hey, he might even help you with the dishes later….

As you already realized, having a great relationship takes a lot of effort both in and outside of the bedroom. So try harder, smile and laugh a lot, communicate openly, be spontaneous, explore and enjoy life together.

As always, feel free to reach out to us for 1-1 coaching here or at doubletake.lifestyle@yahoo.com. on this topic or any other.

If you have a more serious concern regarding intimacy, make an appointment with a sex therapist or other appropriate professionals.