This post is something I have thought about for a long time - a topic that has burdened my thoughts for the last 15 years. I have not always been open about this nor did I wish to discuss it for many years, but this has really affected my life in a big way. And as we are approaching the holidays filled with food and family gatherings, I figured what better time to discuss this topic than now. Here is my journey to finding happiness and being body positive.

I have never been thin. I was always athletic and fit, playing four different sports competitively from ages 5 through 18, until I suffered my second bad injury. Starting when I was around 11, I began receiving extremely painful and hurtful comments from my European cousins about how I was fat, and looked like a hippo and a whale. I always brushed it off as if it didn’t affect me and then went and cried in the bathroom later when I was alone. They were all extremely thin, and so my “average” body to them probably seemed overweight, when in reality I was perfectly healthy. This went on for several years, and although we eventually stopped spending so much time together, the pain of the experience never went away.

Fast forward a few years to 16 – I remember sitting in my English class sophomore year and always looking at my stomach in the mirror next to me to see how thin it looked in my tight shirts - it was an unhealthy obsession. At the time I was playing sports competitively, and one day during volleyball practice I tore a ligament in my ankle. That meant a cast for four weeks, physical therapy for seven months, and no sports for even longer. I was devastated. Top that with starting a heavy hormone birth control, and a love of unhealthy food, and boom - plus 20 pounds extra on my body. To be really honest, I never felt that I was “fat” or unhealthy – I always received compliments from boys and my American family was encouraging and positive - but my European family would constantly comment and remind me that I had gained weight, and it eventually took a toll. I remember sitting in my grandma’s living room and we were all eating dessert, and I went to the table for a second piece of my favorite Eszterhazy cake from Daubner bakery and my grandpa made a comment about me not needing another piece, after which I proceeded to laugh, lick the cake (so no one else would eat it) and sit back down on the couch. A few moments passed and the comment hit me, emotion and embarrassment overcame, and I put the piece of cake down and went into the kitchen and started crying.

I tried to lose the weight in many different ways – my mom even hired a personal trainer for me, which turned out to be amazing because I learned so many great tips for working out – but even then I didn’t lose a pound! The trainer was shocked, because I was working so hard in practice, and my body fat percentage went down drastically - but the weight didn’t budge. It was probably due to my ability to put on muscle easily that counter acted the fat that I was losing. Either way, it was a good experience and to this day I still use the techniques my trainer taught me at the gym.

When I started college, I had a very different schedule than in high school. I was able to sleep until 8 in the morning (at the time I needed like 10 hours to function properly), and had time to work out 3-4 times a week. Little did I know, I was actually doing intermittent fasting, because I would skip breakfast and just eat lunch and then dinner. With that, I was able to lose the 20 pounds I had gained, and although I yo-yoed about 5 pounds throughout college, I was able to keep it off for the most part. I felt much happier than I did in high school – I was well-rested, loved what I was studying, and was able to work hard towards my goal of moving to Europe after graduation. I was eating all kinds of food, and not depriving myself of anything. But the wounds I had were still very fresh within my body and soul.

When I moved to Europe after college, it was the first time I lived on my own. My mom is a great cook, but when I lived at home I ate what she made and I didn’t have the opportunity to experiment with what I liked or what worked best with my body. Because I worked at home the first 6 months, I cooked almost daily. I was making everything from pasta to tortilla española, chicken, and all sorts of healthy baked goods. I also worked out 4-5 times a week. And let me tell you, I don’t think I ever looked so good. But I wasn’t well emotionally. I was counting calories, weighing myself daily, and would obsess over the food I ate while constantly feeling unhappy with how I looked. When I started at my current company, I remember people telling me how obsessed I was with food, and I realized it was true. It completely took over my life and was extremely unhealthy. I finally decided to let go, not care about calories, and just eat whatever felt good. And that’s what I did - and the consequence of that was I gained back some of the weight I had lost. It felt freeing, but also challenging, because I knew I didn’t look as good as I once did.

Today, I am right in the middle in terms of my weight – I think. And I say “I think”, because I decided a while ago that I wasn’t going to weigh myself anymore. Instead, I would try to be intuitive with my body and feel how my clothes fit rather than focus on the number on the scale. This is the first time in the last 15 years that I can say I am happy with myself. I am happy and I love my body and it doesn’t matter that I’m not the thinnest I have ever been, or that I have a pudge on my stomach, or that my thighs aren’t super slim – I focus on my curves and the way I feel in terms of health. This is not to say that when someone makes comments about my weight (cough cough about a certain family member) that it doesn’t upset me – because it really does! People always tell me to ignore those remarks because they come from people that don’t matter, but when you have felt such pain, every comment matters. All of the small comments that people have said to me over the years about my weight I remember word for word and they have stuck with me.

Today, I focus on eating plant based, with some animal protein. I don’t eat dairy because I’m intolerant, and I minimize sugar because I am sensitive. Otherwise, I eat a variety of food – bread, pasta, some fruits, lots of veggies – and instead I focus on the right portions and the food that my body is craving and needs as energy. This includes avoiding processed foods, limiting meat and alcohol intake, and focusing on organic, whole foods that fuel me. I work out a few times a week, and sleep well and drink lots of water.

It look me a long time to get to where I am today. I no longer listen to what people tell me about my body, nor do I welcome those comments. I try to tell myself how much I love my body and appreciate it the way it is and that it wakes up every day and gets me from one place or another. I really took my body through the ringer over the years, both emotionally and physically, and I’m finally in a place where I am happy. I know it’s a hard place to get to, but you really have to learn to move past the negative comments, tell people where your boundaries are, and do what works for you and your body. Period.